Visits from the Heart

A Guide to Visiting Someone Close to You
By Beth Carrigan

We know how difficult it can be to have someone close to you go through a lot of pain, be it physical or emotional. Feeling unable to ease their pain, we sometimes stand back and leave their care to the doctors, the nurses and the wonders of modern medicine. Mostly, we just don’t know what to say, and because of this a patient can feel very alone.

It is important to know that you can make a big difference in their recovery if you communicate from your heart. There is a fine art to bringing hope, easing tension, building self-esteem and encouraging the will to live. It’s not so much the words you say as the feeling of love and caring you put behind them.

The first step is to prepare yourself for the visit. Remember the good times you’ve spent together; take a moment to remember some of the special experiences you’ve shared. This is a time you have set aside to help someone close to you, so leave your own concerns far behind. This will help you to enjoy the visit and to be a positive, uplifting influence.

Ask yourself, "How would I like to be treated if I were in their shoes?” In your own mind come to terms with the situation as it is, with all of its hopes and fears, and do your best simply to accept. There is magic in acceptance; it helps us all find peace, and perhaps heal a little better.

Here are some practical suggestions to bear in mind before your visit:

Before you give your time and offer support to someone else have you taken care of your needs? Are you rested? Have you eaten? How much time do you intend to spend with your loved one? Thinking of these things ahead of time will help you to have a loving, caring and uplifting visit with someone you care about. If you haven’t taken care of yourself it will come across in your visit.

Be selective with gifts; choose good-humored, cheerful subject matter in reading material; short stories and magazines rather than novels; books on tape are also a good idea. It might also be nice to bring some special photos of your loved one of times spent together. Share special stories and events that tell them they are wonderful and they have made a difference in your life and the lives of others.

Fresh flowers, stuffed animals, colorful greeting cards and fun balloons are great. Before you buy flowers, find out if they are allergic to them; and make sure that someone will take care of the flowers. There’s nothing worse than dead flowers in a room. Silk flowers are an excellent alternative.

Ask friends and family to send cards, write or send E-mails rather than call. Phone conversations can be exhausting, for you and the patient.

It might be helpful to have one person call the doctors and hospital for the latest update. The staff has a very demanding schedule and need the time to take care of your loved one. They are more than happy to answer questions and relay messages, but too many calls from family and concerned friends make their job more difficult.

It is also important to take a moment and acknowledge the staff for the care they are giving. It can work wonders for their patients and all members of the staff. Your kindness will have an effect on everyone they come in contact with.

You might also want to select an individual who can forward the information on to other family members and friends. Having to answer ten or fifteen messages at the end of a day can be an exhausting experience especially when having to repeat the same story over and over again. You may want to send E-mails to those who want to know what’s going on. This can save your energy and can allow you to stay connected with everyone on your terms.

Dress bright and cheery for your visit; the haggard, fatigued look isn’t exactly uplifting.

Help the patient to maintain their dignity; they need to be treated as a whole human being, not as a body or as a sick person. Comment on their strengths and acknowledge them on their accomplishments. Honor the many aspects of their life and help them to focus on what they enjoy most. If that leads to fantasy or exaggeration do not correct them – let it be – just love and accept them for who they are. Even a cranky or depressed person is appreciative of your visit when they feel your acceptance.

Ask questions – like what accomplishments they are most proud of, what they like about themselves, or better yet, what you like about them. In every adversity there is always the promise of a greater benefit. Be on the lookout for the upside to this situation.

Listen to what is really being said – behind the masks and defenses. Show your friend or loved one that you understand how they feel by responding with questions or body language that says, “I hear you.” You may not have been through that particular experience, but we all know how it feels to be alone, angry, helpless, sad or afraid.

People who are ill, and especially those who are terminally ill, often need to talk about their fears. Sometimes the intensity of emotions is alarming; don’t be upset by this, don’t take it personally and don’t try to inhibit the expression of their emotions. We are accustomed to thinking that something has gone terribly wrong when someone expresses deep grief, anger or fear. Remind yourself that there is nothing wrong – these emotions are part of the natural healing process.

You can simply provide a warm silence in which the person can pour out their feelings. A genuine, loving touch or hug can be helpful for reassurance after an outburst has ended. Remember that grief and other deep emotions cannot be avoided or rushed.

Involve the whole family as much as possible, children can participate by creating drawings or writing notes. Everyone has their strength and weakness, try to assign tasks that need attention to those that shine best in those areas. Everyone can participate in some way no matter how small the task. Delegating is the best course of action.

All of us as individuals have four basic needs. We want to be listened to, accepted, acknowledged, and appreciated for who we are. Pay attention to them, give acknowledgement, show your affection and be accepting of who they are right now. When you listen with your heart the gift of love will shine in your eyes. Remember your eyes are the windows to your soul.